War Against Extinction
by Lyrium eidolon
Summary: Commander Keen, having learned of Mortimer's survival, prepares to rebuff his next attack. However, after being captured by aliens claiming him to be a wanted man, he must rise to defeat the Grand Intellect's plans for destruction of the universe.
1. Chapter 1: Keen Hunted?

**Disclaimer**: The following is a non-profit fan-based piece of fiction. Commander Keen was created by Tom Hall and developed by id Software.

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Chapter 1: Keen Hunted?

It was an average day for Billy Blaze; doing homework, keeping his older brother and younger sister under control, undertaking makeshift research and development in his treehouse. Unbeknownst to his entire race, he was secretly Commander Keen, the one who single-handedly saved the Earth from a Vorticon bombardment, freed their race from slavery under the Grand Intellect, and had even saved the entire galaxy from a Shikadi superweapon.

His most recent trip to outer space was to rescue his babysitter, and it was there that he learned his arch nemesis was still alive. With a revived threat of the Grand Intellect, Keen had to be ready for anything. He kept searching deep space radio frequencies for signs of trouble, but always found garbage programming.

The day did take a slight turn for the worst when Mrs Blaze announced that the entire family, save Keen, was invited to football tryouts in the neighboring city. They were leaving that same evening, and Keen was left all alone with his pet alien Spot.

Annoyed, he decided to spend time in the cockpit of his Bean-with-Bacon Megarocket, where he kept scanning the radio frequencies for distress signals. Maneuvering his ship onto the lawn, he looked up at the sky and saw... shooting stars. There were four of them... but they seemed to be getting larger and larger. Keen started seeing flames emitting from each of the stars, and one by one they crashed in his neighborhood.

His ComputerWrist started picking up an alien frequency at a local level. It sounded like there were female voices, saying that they had landed near the target. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, and prepared the Bean-and-Bacon for emergency takeoff. A small radar program he invented showed movement of a number of signatures to his position. Soon, he heard his house door crash down, and the signatures came closer and closer. It suddenly hit Keen; the aliens were here for him.

Blasting off into the night sky, Keen suddenly found that four winged humanoid gargoyle-like objects were pursuing him, their black wings glowing an eerie yellow color. Lightning suddenly streaked past his cockpit, but he had no choice; he had to get away from Earth. More lightning shot past his ship, yet he was beginning to suspect it wasn't normal lightning. Higher and higher into the atmosphere he got, but more of those flying gargoyles came towards him. More lightning flashed past him, and Keen realized: if there was still lightning in high orbit, it had to be a form of weapon.

Reaching the freedom of space at last, he saw a large ship not unlike the Vorticon Mothership in size. Unlike the Mothership, it was long, golden and featured a long cannon on its bow. More gargoyles appeared, many of them grabbing the Megarocket, and a radio transmission got beamed through to Keen's ComputerWrist: "Unidentified vessel, this is Captain Oneassa of the Brightfire. You are carrying a wanted criminal amongst the people of Daria, and are therefore advised to surrender or face termination."

"Captain," Keen began, "...can you tell me the name of the fugitive, because I haven't been to your planet."

"You have until the count of three to surrender. One..."

"Fine, I surrender." Keen knew that there were too many gargoyles clinging to his rocket for him to attempt escape, and the Bean-with-Bacon wasn't equipped for an interstellar dogfight.

"Smart move, Grand Intellect."


	2. Chapter 2: Accusations

Chapter 2: Accusations

"What did you say?" Commander Keen asked in shock. The humanoid gargoyles guided his Bean-with-Bacon Megarocket towards the golden ship Brightfire, but as he approached the vessel, he couldn't believe his bad luck. Him, the Grand Intellect? Maybe the real Grand Intellect, Mortimer McMire, was on the move. But all of a sudden, to find himself wanted by a species for crimes he didn't even commit, he was hoping that he could try and clear up this misunderstanding.

A docking port opened up, and the gargoyles took the Megarocket inside. Once it was set down, Keen opened the hatch and stepped out, finding two of the gargoyles towering over him. The two massive beasts suddenly had their abdominal muscles open like a ramp descending to the ground, and Keen could see feminine figures inside, removing their hands from what must have been control ports, and recalling a periscope viewfinder into the upper body. These... women... both had bright flesh-coloured skin, albeit with a slight tint of red. One had long, green hair flowing past her shoulders, the other yellow hair tied into a ponytail. "We should be careful; that was almost too easy a capture," the latter stated, concern evident in her hushed voice.

"Agreed," the former female declared. "To be safe, we should both escort this one to the Captain. Grand Intellect, this way, and for your sake don't try anything funny."

"You've got the wrong guy," Keen protested, as one of the women grabbed his hands and ushered him forward. "What are you going to do with me?"

"That is a matter for Captain Oneassa to decide. And no, we have extensive files on you. You were onboard the Shikadi Weapon of Galactic Destruction, and multiple Shikadi soldiers have identified you as their leader."

"But this is the first time I've encountered your people."

"Your falsehoods do you no credit among the people of Daria."

"I haven't even heard of that planet!"

"It isn't a good idea to lie to those that hold your life in their hands. You have even been caught leading Shikadi forces against us."

"We're here," the yellow-haired woman declared, and ushered Keen through another doorway into a bridge area. "Captain, the Grand Intellect is present."

"Excellent," a calm but curt voice spoke from behind a chair. "Throw him in the hold, but keep constant guard on him. I don't want any Shikadi surprises waiting for us when we jump."

The two women dragged Keen back down the corridor, their grip tighter than ever. The greenhead then spoke into a communicator; "This is Eleria of the Eighth Light Air Cluster. I want a scanning crew analysing the ship we captured."

"What made you decide to do that?!" Keen demanded

"Just a routine trap check. I want scanner results reported to me and the Captain _before_ we jump."

"What makes you think the Megarocket has any traps?"

"We're here. Get in."

Keen was ushered through a doorway into a room filled with boxes. Once inside, he was made to sit down, with his escorts on either side of him. On the plus side, he still had his ComputerWrist, and they had released their grip on his hands, so at least he could pass the time with a few games of Paddle War.

"Scanning crew to Eleria of the Eighth Light Air Cluster," a voice sounded from her ear. "Scan is complete, and we have detected nothing unusual save for the actual design of the ship itself."

"How so, scanning crew?"

"The materials it was built from give it terrible armor. It seems like quite a ramshackle effort to us."

"And yet it is still capable of deep-space flight? Interesting."

"All ground forces are aboard," an announcement declared over loudspeaker. "All hands prepare for hyperspace jump. Repeat, all hands prepare for hyperspace jump."

Keen still engrossed in Paddle War, suddenly jerked forward in the next minute, stopped from flying across the room by the arms of his escorts. Once the initial shock started wearing off and allowed him to sink backwards again, he found his right arm gripped by Eleria. "What is this? Are you trying to send a remote signal?"

"It is just a game!" protested Keen

"A... game? You let yourself get captured so easily, are scheduled to face justice for your crimes against our people, and you are engrossed in unproductive amusement? Why do you indulge in such befuddling behaviour?"

"I need to find something to do. This waiting around is driving me nuts!"

"You needn't wait long; our hyperdrive is more than capable of rapid interstellar travel. We will arrive at the home world within minutes."

"But what exactly is going on between you people and the Grand Intellect?"

"Did entering hyperspace knock loose your memories? We discovered that a Shikadi weapon was deployed near Korath III, and we were only able to draw the fire of their guardian warships. Between their resistance and an energy buildup in the station, we were beginning to doubt whether we would be able to destroy the weapon before it detonated. Our one stroke of luck was that there was a saboteur that destroyed their systems from the inside."

"You mean the Omegamatic? I disabled it."

"Why would the Grand Intellect sabotage his own weaponry?"

"For the millionth time, you have got the wrong guy!"

Just then, Keen felt himself jerk forward again, and held in place by the two guards. "Well, you can tell it to the Adjudicator. We're here."


	3. Chapter 3: Keen on Trial

Chapter 3: Keen on Trial

"Pilot Eleria of the Eighth Light Air Cluster," a voice rang out over the green-haired guard's ear, "...we are in orbit above Daria, and have linked up with Adjudicator Ibiresien's Hall of Judgement. Has the Grand Intellect made any attempt to escape?"

"Negative, captain," Eleria spoke, "but I refuse to believe that he isn't trying to send out a distress signal to the Shikadi. He claims to be playing a game, but nobody in their right mind would try to use that excuse to hide their crimes."

"That will be a matter for the Adjudicator to decide. We have orders to bring our prisoner to her Hall to stand trial. Take him to the Teleporter Bays."

"Understood," she finished, before turning to Commander Keen. "Get up."

"Where are we going? And what will happen with the trial?" Keen asked. This trial didn't sound good.

"It is quite simple: You will face justice for all the lives you and your Shikadi bedfellows have ruined."

"I'm enemies with the Shikadi!"

"I'm getting sick of hearing your denials. We are almost at the Bays."

"I'm not denying anything!"

"Careful, now. If I have to hear one more excuse like that, there is going to be an accident involving you alone in a malfunctioning teleport pod."

"How would that be an accident? Wouldn't you have all your pods or whatever undamaged?"

"Ugh, for someone who is supposedly a genius, you are pathetic at getting hints. To put it into words you'll understand, I'll personally send you home."

"Really?"

"...in a body bag."

"Yikes!" Keen gasped, noting the venom in her voice. He was ushered into a room with a large number of big, golden spheres, and an equally large number of bigger golden vertical tubes. Keen saw large, vertical mechanical arms grabbing and taking spheres out of the room, and also offloading spheres into the room into sets of four curved metal bars that held each one in much the same way a human would hold a wine glass. Adjoining every such area was a staircase which ascended to half the sphere's vertical diameter, where a small cavity was present.

Five women walked up one such staircase and into the sphere docked in a stand, and when they were all in, the cavity on that sphere sealed shut. A tube opened up from its middle, retracting into the floor and ceiling, and another large mechanical arm emerged out of the wall behind an open tube, extending in a straight line before touching the sphere with a silver prong. The stand withdrew into the ground, leaving the arm holding the sphere up by the silver prong, and the arm began retracting into the wall, pulling the sphere with it. When that sphere was inside the diameter of the open tube, a stream of electricity hit it from both ends, leaving it hovering as the arm continued retracting. The tube began extending its retracted halves, closing over the sphere, and through one window Keen could see the electricity crackling. Another crew member at the opposite wall, this time a man from the looks of things, pulled a lever, and the tube with the sphere gave a large rumble as well as created a light so bright that nobody could see what was happening. A few seconds afterwards, the light vanished, and the tube opened once again to reveal that it was empty.

"Ah, Pilot Eleria. The Adjudicator's Hall is sending a pod to us to use for the prisoner transport. Should we have guards posted on it?" another male operator asked Keen's green-haired captor.

"No thanks, Transporter. I will personally oversee the security arrangements regarding the Grand Intellect," Eleria informed.

"With all due respect, a pilot usually shouldn't be in charge of a prisoner transport. I know you have a personal stake in this, but I implore you to-"

"At ease. I can handle myself. I know this murderer will try and attempt escape, and I won't risk it happening on my watch. This is something I must do."

"As you wish. The pod is arriving in Bay 4."

The highlighted bay, Keen noticed, had an open tube that was closing. A bright flash of light suddenly burst from the one transparent window on the tube, and when it ceased, that tube opened to reveal another golden sphere, hovering in the middle, with streams of electricity hitting it at the bottom and the top. Again, a mechanical arm extended to press a silver prong to it before pushing it forward, with the electric streams stopping. The arm extended until it reached the staircase, where a stand rose up and anchored the golden shape in place. The golden door opened to reveal the cavity.

"Sphere locked into position. You are clear to board," the operator announced.

"Let's go, Grand Intellect!" Eleria declared, pushing Keen towards the staircase and ushering him up the stairs. He was the first to enter the sphere, walking through a small passage before entering an area with eleven seats (all with handgrips on both armrests) arranged in a circle around a long spire in the centre. His two guards followed him in and pushed him into a seat before sitting on either side of him.

"What exactly is going to happen?" Keen asked. He was used to teleporting, having used such devices on Mars, Vorticon VI and the Bloog homeworld of Fribbulus Xax, but this was too weird.

"Our teleporters are different to yours," the yellow-haired, ponytailed guard informed. "Using these things for the first time can be unsettling, so you may want to grab on to those."

"You mean these grips? What do they do?" Keen questioned.

"Just something to hang onto if you find yourself uneasy."

"We are ready," Eleria declared. "Activating seals."

A large, thick door on another mechanical arm started descending from the area above the entrance, eventually plugging up the passage. "Don't you have that outside door to close the capsule?" Keen asked again.

"The pods have outer and inner seals to protect the occupants. I had half a mind to disable the seals and just leave you in here alone."

"But that would kill him, and he can't face judgement if he's dead," the yellow-haired guard protested.

"Wait, how would it kill me?" Keen blurted out in shock.

"Our teleporters aren't compatible with transporting organic matter; we always get a pile of dust at the other end. We are, however, able to transport such matter in these pods, as they are especially built to keep the interior completely insulated while still ensuring that the matter is transported. If the seals were damaged or not there, the electricity would flood into the pod and disintegrate you."

"Quiet, partner," Eleria boomed, as the room began shaking. They must have been being pulled to the tube, and a short time later, Keen felt that the room was swaying and probably a bit unstable. He could also hear a lot of crackling and popping. "We're in position."

"Well, brace yourselves. This is going to be a bumpy ride."

Suddenly, there was a loud, thunderous **BOOM**, causing the whole room to shake violently, and Keen gripped the handlebars on the chair for dear life. A few seconds later, the rumbling ceased, replaced by the unsteady swaying, and then a slight shaking before coming to a complete stop. The inside door opened, and Keen was dragged out of the chair by Eleria and her partner. Stepping out of the golden sphere, he found himself in something not too dissimilar to the retractable walkways found in Earth's airports. From there, he was taken through many corridors before being ushered into what must have been a massive hall.

For at least five storeys, there were walls on either side of him. He could hear voices coming from above them, and he realized: they were the stands occupied by some observers. At the end of the hall, he could see more people seated, but there was a balcony below which housed a a woman with orange hair tied into a bun. He was led further down the hall to a chair, and once he sat down, his guards activated clasps which bound his hands to the armrests and his feet to the floor. The chair promptly began rising until it was level with the orange-haired woman.

"Attention," she declared, with the entire hallway falling silent.. "This Hall of Judgement is brought to order! We are gathered here today for the trial of the malevolent warlord known as the Grand Intellect. The primary interrogators will be me, Adjudicator Ibiresien, and Captain Oneassa of the ship Brightfire, in contact via radio communications. State your full birth name and birth planet, Grand Intellect."

"I am Commander Keen, from Earth," he responded, unsure of whether to give them his secret identity.

"You stand accused of the following crimes, which have been compressed to nine main charges. First: of consorting with the Shikadi to attack our colonies and murder our people. Second, of waging war against the people of Daria. Third; of enslaving an entire species, the Vorticons. Fourth, of attempting to destroy a planet. Fifth, of attempting to destroy the known galaxy with a weapon of mass destruction known as the Omegamatic Space Station. Sixth, of enslaving the natives of the planet Fribbulus Xax. Seventh, of stealing the Stupendous Sandwich of Chungella IV. Eighth; of abduction of many aliens from their home worlds. Finally; of illegal experimentation on living organisms. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty on all charges." Right then, the crowd began shouting, and Keen even heard a yell of 'LIAR!" from Eleria below.

"**Silence!** On what grounds do you plead innocence?"

"You've got the wrong guy! You are the ones who are guilty of abduction-"

"I would watch your tone, 'POW' Keen. Disrespect will not be tolerated. You may continue. How have we got the wrong individual?"

"I've fought with the Grand Intellect before. Last I was aware, he was killed when I destroyed his Mangling Machine on Vorticon VI and freed the Vorticons. However, I have since come to suspect that he is alive due to a... an acquaintance telling me of his role in an abduction."

"I will consider what you have said regarding this. However, this does not change the perception of you as the Grand Intellect and a collaborator with the Shikadi. Do you have a response to that?"

"I first became aware of the Shikadi threat when the Council Members of the Oracle of Gnosticus IV were taken hostage by them. I managed to rescue them, and they used the Oracle to pinpoint the location of the Shikadi Omegamatic near Korath III. I sneaked aboard, and disabled the station- wait, there was a letter I found there! I took it home with me, but I never got around to translating it!"

"Thank you. That is all for now." A large holographic monitor appeared above Keen, but he couldn't see who was speaking. "The Adjudicator recognises Captain Oneassa of the ship Brightfire. I have reports that the ground teams sent to capture the Grand Intellect stumbled across a letter during their raid."

"That is correct, Adjudicator," the Captain's harsh voice declared. "The letter is addressed to a 'Billy', and it appears to be a form of... mockery. It is taunting him about how he fell for an android duplicate trick in the Mangling Machine, and him falling for 'it' yet again."

"What else is said in the letter?"

"Yes, Adjudicator, it says- no, the threat is much more serious than we were led to believe. This letter states an intention to destroy the whole universe, not merely our galaxy, and that the Shikadi station was merely a diversionary tactic. It is signed by a 'Mortimer'... and there is a post-script with further mockery, where he is self-identifying as the Grand Intellect."

"So we were led on a wild Dopefish chase? This is getting very problematic. This trial is going to be temporarily adjourned. Captain, by my authority as an Adjudicator, I need you to return to the planet Earth and retrieve any records about this 'Mortimer' person, and of this 'Billy' to whom the letter is addressed. Also, send emissaries to the Vorticons and the Gnosticines. In the meantime, the defendant will be held in custody in the Iron Gardens until we reconvene."

Keen's spire began lowering until he and the chair he was in were at ground level. This... Adjudicator, or whatever she was, appeared to be more understanding of his plight than the rest of her civilisation, but when the descent stopped, he could see a furious glare in the eyes of Eleria. She and the other guard began undoing the restraints, but she managed to whisper in his ear "You may have Ibiresien fooled, but your lies don't have me convinced!"

"I've been telling the truth this whole time!"

"You really _will_ be telling the truth by the time I'm done with you. And I know just the cell in the Iron Gardens to throw you in to make that happen..."


	4. Chapter 4: A Sharp Start

Chapter 4: A Sharp Start

Pulling Keen to his feet, Eleria and her partner dragged him back through the many seemingly endless corridors to the golden interior of the Teleport Pod. Once all three were seated, she declared the destination to the intercom: "Iron Gardens, Level 3."

"Are you sure?" a male voice replied. "That level is strictly for Psychological Correction, and the Adjudicator has ordered the prisoner to be taken to the Observation Habitat on Level 14."

"Disregard, and take us to Level 3. I will personally deliver him to Level 14 after I finish some business on that level."

"But if you take him there, you'll be in direct disobedience of the Adjudicator's orders!"

"I don't care; the Grand Intellect has somehow managed to brainwash her. You saw the trial, right?"

"Yes?"

"We need to get the real truth. Now, Level 3."

"Very well. Level 3... the target bay has been selected. Prepare for transportation."

The inside doors closed, and again there was that slight hovering feeling before another loud **BOOM**, and when next they exited the pod, the walls had a dark gunmetal colour to them. Keen kept walking forward, and only stopped outside what must have been an office. Eleria left them to go inside, but after a few minutes, she re-emerged and continued ushering Keen forward. Soon, they entered a large quad, with lighting reminiscent of a gloomy, overcast and rainy day back on Earth, a dark green lawn and an unstable-looking ceiling. Keen and his guards continued walking until reaching one spot in the lawn, above which a cube-shaped piece of the ceiling detached and was descending to the lawn on four chains on each of the top corners. Down and down, until it stopped just above the ground where it was left to hover uncomfortably.

Keen and his guards walked to one side, finding a door and opening it to reveal a room with dark green walls, and a large, white bed with another woman with the same colour skin as all the other alien women Keen had seen on this little adventure, crimson hair tied into two bangs and a ponytail, silver bracers with blue linings on her arms and legs, and what appeared to be a sleeveless white china dress, again with blue linings, with the sides of the legs open. Keen, however, also noticed that something was off about her; her face seemed to be giving off an expression that looked like a mix of sadness, despair and starvation, her eyes were closed and she was clutching her stomach.

"Last chance, Grand Intellect. Tell the truth about why you are trying to destroy everything," Eleria spoke. At this, the crimson-haired woman's eyes opened, and she seemed to be staring longingly in their direction.

"I've told you already! Didn't you listen to the judge? Or are you as dumb as a Dopefish?" Keen retaliated.

"Wrong answer!" With that, Keen's brother's football helmet was turned back-to-front such that his eyes were blocked, and he felt something shove him forward. He continued stumbling until something hit his stomach and caused his arms to fall onto something soft and comfy. Something grabbed his right arm, and the next thing he knew was that he was feeling a massive stabbing pain in the arm, along with something a bit moist. The grunt of pain he gave off was muffled by the football helmet, and with his free arm he tried to get rid of whatever was causing the pain, but he kept hitting something fleshy and sometimes a bit hairy as well.

After what seemed like a minute, resistance slackened, the thing that was causing the pain seemed to have gone, and Keen could move his arm again. Quickly taking the opportunity to readjust the helmet, he soon saw that he was lying on the bed, but also that blood was gently leaking from two fresh holes in his upper arm.

"Now, tell me what the Grand Intellect's exact plans are." Eleria ordered.

"Huh? How am I supposed to know?!" the girl on the bed protested, sitting up straight on the bed.

"But this alien-"

"...isn't the Grand Intellect! He's actually his arch-nemesis. I believe he already made that clear in his testimony to the Adjudicator."

"So even you have been brainwashed by him?!"

"Me? Oh please, I've been locked up for three solar cycles now, well before the start of the Darian-Shikadi War, and I haven't been allowed any visitors."

"Fine, if you won't tell me what he is planning, then give him back here and I'll find something that will drag the truth out."

"Yeah, no. You've given my guest enough grief as it is."

"Give him here, Riebeth, or else-"

"Or else what?" this 'Riebeth' woman declared, and in a sudden show of elegance that completely betrayed her earlier, starved appearance, she jumped off the bed and somersaulted to stand in between Keen and Eleria, shielding the former from the latter. "It's time Commando Keen here saw a bit more compassion from us. You morons have captured his home planet's first and last defence against the Grand Intellect's forces!"

"How dare you-"

"Pilot Eleria," the green-haired woman's earpiece sounded. "Why are you and Pilot Tilla not at your assigned location?"

"As ordered, I was escorting the Grand Intellect to the Iron Gardens-"

"And you were given no permission to leave the ship. You were to be relieved of guard duty the moment the prisoner was teleported to Ibiresien Hall. You two are to return to the ship immediately: a Shikadi Prismatic Disintegrator has been spotted warping to the Grand Intellect's Homeworld. We have to destroy it before it can target the world."

"A-at once, Captain." With that, Eleria and her yellow-haired partner ran out of the room, closing the door behind them.

"Ha ha ha, Little Eleria got in trouuuble." Riebeth laughed. Right then, the whole room seemed to jerk upwards, forcing both remaining inhabitants to the floor, and it appeared to also be swaying.

"What's happening?!" Keen shouted.

"Oh, don't worry, the cell is just returning to its place in the ceiling!"

"Does this always happen?!"

"Yuh-huh, it's their way of keeping the grounds clear, and also preventing escape attempts." Just then, the shaking stopped, and Keen found he could stand.

"Just what's going on here? Why was I kidnapped in the first place?"

"Well, Commando Keen-"

"That's CommandER Keen!"

"Whatever. We have been fighting with the forces of the Grand Intellect for quite a while now. Things started with a pincer attack by the Vorticons and the Shikadi. The Vorties seemed intent on blowing up our homeworld, as we already had a bit of a reputation in space as the biggest military power in this galaxy and unafraid to occasionally rub that fact in other civvies' faces. So they sent a Mothership with a Shikadi escort to destroy Daria the same way they tried to blow up Earth."

"Wait... you know about the Vorticons attacking Earth?"

"Yeah. Just found out now. The difference is that unlike Earth, Daria has a sufficiently strong army that could stand in the way of the Grand Intellect's forces."

"Listen; don't kill the-"

"Relax. We know what happened with the Vorticons. There was even something in our news about them declaring that they had been enslaved to the Grand Intellect. That's how we first heard about him. Of course, that just left the Shikadi to fight us. That's about all I know, and that I had to suck out of the guards"

"Speaking of which… aaah... what happened to my arm?"

"Oh, that. Whoops. What can I say; they kept me starved for weeks on end. Finally, thanks to you, I've been relieved of the nightmare for a little while longer." As she spoke, Keen noticed two large fangs in her mouth, almost like vampire fangs.

"So... you sucked my blood?"

"Sorta, but not quite. Our people have a rather unique quirk; we can drain bioelectricity from living creatures, and if they are sentient, we also inherit their memories. Buuut it's part of our pre-spacefairing days, before that sort of thing was declared illegal."

"Yeah, right. There's no way you could know everything about me just by biting me."

"Try me."

"My real name?"

"William Joseph Blaskowicz II, more commonly known as Billy Blaze."

"Wha- My IQ?"

"Three Fourteen, Mister Three-Fourteen!"

"**Hey**! "

"What can I say; I couldn't resist. Besides, were it not used by the Grand Intellect, it sounds more like you have bragging rights over the rest of your species."

"Gah, fine. My weapon of choice?"

"Your home-made Neural Stunner. Gimme a hard one!"

"My least favourite food?"

"Oh please, mashed potatoes."

"The name of my ship?"

"The Bean-with-Bacon Megarocket. Weird name for a ship if you ask me."

"Uh... my pet's name and species?"

"Spot, the Martian Yorp. Come on, this is getting boring!"

"Eh... what about the name of the evil king in one of my nightmares?"

"Boobus Tuber. He was commanding an army of evil potatoes, carrots, tomatoes and the like, and was enslaving children with his Dream Machine."

"Gaaah. quadruple nuts! I give up."

"You get it now? Everything you have ever remembered, everything you know, everything you have ever felt, everything that you ever were, is now flowing through my nerves. You have become a part of me. It's kinda romantic if you think about it."

"Wait, is that how you got info about the war?"

"Yuh huh. They can't afford to keep me up here forever, they have to feed me sooner or later. So I took an opportunity. The disappointing thing was I was hoping to find something I could use to escape."

"Didn't you say you were starved?"

"Starved of bioelectricity, yes. It was the Sky Queen of all hangovers, and I have you to thank for saving me from it."

"Sky Queen?"

"One of the largest flying animals present on Daria, it can swallow Dopefish whole. As a predator, the name speaks for itself, and even military fighters have trouble bringing one down."

"Military… that reminds me… what exactly is a Prismatic Disintegrator?"

"Dunno. Although something tells me it isn't going to bode well for your planet."

"Why?"

"Put it this way: what almost happened to your planet the last time you were stranded on an alien world?"

"The Vorticon Mothership prepared to blow... it… up… wait, do you think that is what the Shikadi are trying to do?"

"Difficult to say unless I can sink my teeth into some info on the subject, but it sounds like it would fit the _real_ Grand Intellect's tactics."

"We haven't got time to lose then, we need to break out!"

"It's nowhere near as easy as you make it out to be, Commander Clean. You can't just blast the prison cell open and run for the gates."

"That's - wait, what do you mean?"

"Have you forgotten? We're in the ceiling of this level. Unless the guards themselves have business with us, we're just going to be left dangling… wait a sec. You still have your Neural Stunner with you, right?"

"Huh? Yeah, why?"

"Hahaha, that's just like Eleria not to do a weapons check. A vengeful pilot does not a competent guard make. Now listen carefully…"


End file.
